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I recently came back from a run. It’s surprising to write this fact. I think it might have been a decade since the previous time. But I found out recently that my tests indicate elevated cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to engage in vigorous activity regularly.

This is the first time in my existence that the driving force to exercise has been my physical health. In my youth, I exercised because I desired to slim down. At times I ran to alleviate feelings of anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, without confronting it. At other times, I ran because I aimed to get better at running. This was the definition to me back then to create an improved existence.

Exercising with new motivation now sparked reflection about the methods I’ve related with my physique throughout my life and the way it’s evolving as I move from youth to midlife. I don’t think I’ve respected my body, not deep down. I’ve valued it only for its functions and the aims it served me: seeking approval; avoiding feelings; completing a speedier 5km. Previously, I failed to grasp that my body is me, it embodies my life, rather than a tool for outcomes.

A great deal has been explored over the centuries about the division between body and mind – which it’s comforting to know, I’m not going to precis here. What has struck me most compelling is the Freudian perspective that mind and body are naturally unified from birth, because physical maturation necessitates psychological development and vice versa. The newborn’s physical sensations – like the physical sensation of hunger – motivate consciousness to build the skill to perceive hunger as a feeling that is alleviated by eating; and the emotional comfort and fulfillment consistently provided by meal after meal supports the young mind in the same way the food fuels them bodily. Likewise psychological experiences – like the urge to rise and attain a goal, and the resolve to try again and again – are the reason and method muscles grow stronger. From our earliest moments, mind and body are interconnected in reciprocal evolution as integrated as DNA strands.

But I’ve observed, in sessions with my analyst, that my mind and body can be in a different kind of relationship – one less integrated and somewhat abusive. My mind can use my physique to store and manifest elements that my mind deems unwanted or intolerable. In analysis it emerged how there are particular emotional states that I worry I can’t handle; in place of sensing them in my mind, I unintentionally push them into my body, becoming trapped as corporeal issues.

I often had digestive discomfort – unrelated to my diet, but was a kind of physical reflux of the sharper sentiments I was unable to process in my mind. It wasn’t a deliberate decision, but when it was brought to awareness by my analyst, and my fear and insecurity and anger and terror could be felt and put into words rather than converted to corporeal symptoms, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from indigestion now.

The most severe episode I experienced this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for several nights in a row. It seemed I was slipping away from my sanity. I went a general practitioner, who scheduled all sorts of scans and tests, but everything was physically wrong. It was a different physician who suggested that the origin could be psychological. My psychoanalyst did not disagree. I was surprised, but I recognized it was accurate.

If an individual endures a physical symptom, it can be upsetting at the suggestion that there might be an emotional origin. It can seem as invalidation, being told that their symptom is fabricated. Naturally such cases occur – people can have their pain ignored or wrongly assessed. However, sometimes it might be that the physical symptoms exist – without doubt – and the origin is emotional, the inner mind employing the physique to express some pain or fury or whichever sentiment the mind fails to handle. At times, we may believe our experience only has value only through expression through the body. We persistently neglect our minds as individuals, in social contexts and as a culture; how else do we accept the appalling reduction of psychological therapies through health services?

Personal insights have shown me that an improved existence cannot be created if we remain trapped unconsciously in modes of connection, internally and with others, that stem from disrespect, exploitation and dealings. These interactions are frequently more straightforward to spot “out there” in the general public. It’s likely harder to reflect on how they got out there, and to identify these shapes personally and within our closest relationships, in the economy of our mental lives.

But it’s valuable to continue. Upon wearing my jogging shoes back on post a long hiatus, heading out not to get physical improvement, or to get rid of a feeling, or to surpass a personal best, {it